If you were to die today, would your last moments be spent regretting that you had not sufficiently expressed your love and appreciation for those you love, or would you at least have the comfort of knowing that those you leave behind know how much you love and appreciate them? Would you be regretting not having done everything in your power to have the best relationship possible? Or would you at least know that none of the time you had had together was wasted? Three years ago I read an article that I have never forgotten. I could remember neither the title nor the author, and I was not entirely sure of the newspaper or the year in which it appeared either, so it took the best part of a day to track it down. Perhaps when you hear about it, you will understand why I was determined to find it.

After his death, his family continued to honor their traditions, determined not to be destroyed by the loss of the head of the household they had all loved so much. Mr. Rosenzweig's wife said, “I can't bear to think he will never be back.” but she told her children that their lovely father and his righteousness was in each of them, and they had a responsibility “to live the same way Daddy did; to work hard, like Daddy did; to love one another, as Daddy loved you: to be kind, as Daddy was.” Mrs. Rosenzweig's mother whispered to Christie Blatchford, “You see why my daughter is so beautiful? Her soul shows through on her face.” Mr. Rosenzweig had been exceptionally kind to his mother-in-law when her husband had died, and he was also a devoted son to his own mother, who had lost virtually her whole family in the Holocaust. “I don't believe really this has happened to me,” she said, “to my beautiful children.”

In this article, Christie Blatchford painted an exquisite word picture of Mr. Rosenzweig's life and goodness, of his devotion to and deep love for his family, and of his close-knit extended family sitting around the Shabbas table, mourning their loss and trying to be strong. Every morning, when Chavie Rosenzweig wakes up, “I say to David, 1 can't believe it's another day without you.” And then, she pulls herself together, and prepares to face the world in the way that would surely make his heart burst with pride, but will never fill the big chair that sits empty at the head of the table. She said of her husband's amazing ability to get so much done in a day and still have time to have lunch with one of his children, to help them with their homework, and to do so much for so many: “His tiredness would not limit his goodness.” Mrs. Rosenzweig still remembers how as a young woman newly engaged, she was so excited by her coming marriage that she could hardly study for her exams at York University and actually wrote one of her professors a note, begging his indulgence. (This trait, to be crazy about the men in their lives, runs in the family. Her daughter spotted her future husband when she was just 15 and found him so utterly fetching she would actually shriek with joy whenever she got a glimpse of him.)

But what is so inspiring to me about the relationship of Mr. And Mrs. Rosenzweig is the intensity of their positive regard and reverence for one another, and the fact that they expressed this esteem every single day. “The only surprise about David,” Mrs. Rosenzweig said, “is that he just got better.” David Rosenzweig lived in this house, surrounded by the love of these people. Their greatest solace is that they loved him unreservedly every day, and told him so, and he them; there is nothing important among them that was left unsaid. [. . .] “We all knew who we had. It's not as if we knew after the fact. I told him every day he was yotzai meen haklal – it means exceptional – and he said it to me in return.” It is so important to look at your spouse with a good eye – to look for the good, to assume the best, to give the benefit of the doubt, and to find the admirable – and to express it. The other person cannot know how you feel or what you think unless you tell him or her. And when you do express these things, it makes those you love feel appreciated and loved; it makes them feel visible; it makes their hearts sing. And when people feel good, they do good, they achieve more, they give more, they love more. It is easy to see how this family developed such deep, meaningful, and actively devoted love and regard for one another, and why their relationships were so strong. I wish the same for everyone.

Exit to Eden is a very funny film, but the man in the film is the one with the submissive desires, and there is no indication in the film that he doesn't still have them at the end. I don't see the woman in the film as having become suddenly submissive, she may have learnt to trust that the man she loves won't be abusive or violent, but I don't see them as having a relationship all the same. I particularly enjoyed Rosie O'Donnel's performance in this film, she was very funny, and I loved the bit at the end where she said that the man who fancied her had had her house painted for her like she asked him to. I would have preferred it if the spanking scene had been the other way around, but you can't have everything! The film didn't make me cry at all, it just made me laugh.

I think this is a common understanding in much of the psychology going around....if one is spanked as a child then one is more likely to become either a sadist or a masochist. I disagree with this proposal but I have heard it on talk shows, read it in magazines and this idea is even proposed in various family studies. I thought in the film the implication was simply that Elliot has harbored this fantasy for a long time and now he is coming to realize it as a reality at the Island of Eden. Still, your point is well taken. You also want to point to what you consider the theme of the movie that this particular dominant woman was dominant because she lacked the ability to trust a man completely due to previous bad experiences. You point out that the movie made clear it is 'safe' to give up control if it is to the right person.

I can't say about any specific instance, but I can say in general dominance in either a man or a woman is not at all equivalent to an inability to trust one's intimate partner. Dominant men and women may deeply trust their submissive partners. Dominant men and women are not dominant BECAUSE they have a trust issue. People have trust issues because they have been hurt and they have not healed yet. Yes, some people have issues with trust. In my experience, these people-both men and women-will generally be involved in a series of short lived and shallow relationships. I really do not think that varying degrees of submission is a measure of trust. Intimate partners, to be truly intimate, simply must trust each other no matter which one is the dominant or submissive. I think a better measure of trust is the value we ourselves place in the trust the other has placed in us. We learn to trust again at the point in our lives when we truly value the trust given us by others.

Loveawake taught me that, with the right man, giving up control can be safe after all. The movie Exit To Eden also teaches this, and I cried as I watched it because I finally realized just why Taken In Hand has been such a godsend for not only me, but also my husband. My husband is one of the good guys, and he didn't deserve disrespect because of what two other men did before him. My husband is very much like my father was – my protector, a good man who only wants what is best for me.